


Harry Potter and the Fates

by TheDarkLadyChaos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hercules (1997)
Genre: Gen, I hope, One random thing of sadness(I didn’t have the heart to make Sirius’s death funny ok?), Otherwise pretty funny and crack like, fear the power of comedy in my hands, i am no comedian, kinda crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 07:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17914220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkLadyChaos/pseuds/TheDarkLadyChaos
Summary: The fates were just doing their job, they didn’t expect things to get so complicated!ORHarry just has crazy ass luck.





	Harry Potter and the Fates

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I only own the idea of this story, and nothing else.

Philosopher’s Stone - Godric’s Hollow  
Fate 1: It’s coming!! It’s almost time!  
Narrator: With Voldy….  
Voldemort: *points wand at Harry’s head* Such a pity.  
Narrator: Gossip girls….  
Fate 2: Ok, but, I really miss when he was a handsome hunk. What am I even looking at right now!?  
Fate 3: *gives Fate 2 an outraged look* WHAT!? He’s handsome as he is right now! Gotta love his manly snekiness!  
Fate 1: Have you been looking into the future again!? What the hell is a snek!?  
*all arguing and pushing each other*  
Fate 2: Who cares about that!? How could you say that he’s handsome in this freak form!?  
Narrator: Poor Voldy he just wants to be a normal ass Dark Lord….  
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra....  
*string shimmers a bit to show it should be cut soon*  
Narrator: The three musketidiots….  
Fate 3: HE JUST IS OK!?  
Fate 2: NO! Not ok!!!  
Fate 1: *sees the string but her sisters are blocking it* Guys!! We need to— *tries to lunge forward to cut it with the scissors but trips along with her sisters and ends up cutting Voldemort’s string by accident*   
Fates: *stare at the string* Oh shit.  
Quirrelmort  
Fate 1: Ok. No mess ups this time. We have to be ready.  
Fate 2: Oh my gods, his head— he’s even uglier like this.  
Fate 3: HE’S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD!  
Fate 2: UH, HE’S A MASS MURDERER!  
Fate 3: RIIIIGHT. Like SIRIUS BLACK!? Poor Tom is innocent! He’s just mildly not sane!  
Fate 1: Guys—  
Fate 2: INNOCENT!? DOES THAT..... that..... CREATURE look INNOCENT TO YOU!?  
Fate 3: YES! Yes he does!!  
Fate 1: GUYS!!!!   
Narrator: Squirrel—I mean Quirrel….  
Quirrelmort: *lunges toward Harry*   
Narrator: Back to the Fates….  
Fate 1: Quick before Harry can grab him back! *tries to get to the string but ends up accidentally knocking her eye out instead* *runs into her sisters and knocks them both over in her attempt to not fall* *eye slides across the floor* I can’t see!  
Fate 2 and 3: *stacked on top of one another* We can’t either!  
Narrator: Poor Quirrell….  
Quirrelmort: *crumbles into dust*  
Narrator: Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest….  
Fate 1: *gets her eye back in* *helps her sisters up* *look at the Harry cam*   
Narrator: On the Potty cam….  
Harry: *is clearly still alive with no Quirrelmort in sight and a new shiny red immortality stone to show for his insane luck*  
Narrator: Gods of the Gods save these fools….  
Fates: Damn it!!

Chamber of Secrets - Basilisk  
Fate 1: Ok ok ok. We’ve failed twice already. They say 3rd time’s the charm right?  
Fate 3: *cackles a little bit*  
Fate 1: What?  
Fate 3: I made that saying!  
Fate 2: What!? YOU did? Why I’ve always thought that the second time was the charm.   
Narrator: Meanwhile, shit is happening….  
Basilisk: *should totally have killed Harry like 4 times already*  
Narrator: But guess where the bigger shit is happening….  
Fate 1: *sighs*  
Fate 3: Well you would wouldn’t you?  
Fate 2: I could say the same to you!  
Fate 3: The second time has already passed and we failed! Boom! *dances around and gets in her sister’s face* Like a boss!  
Fate 1: Stop egging each other on!  
Narrator: Where all the real action is….  
Basilisk: *bites Harry*  
Narrator: Where the idiots are….  
Fate 2 and 3: I am not egging her on!   
Fate 1: You are! Why are we even arguing about this!?  
Narrator: With the mini Dark Lord and his giant pet….  
Tom: I am going to watch you die Harry Potter.  
Fawkes: *flies in and lands on Harry*  
Narrator: Aaaaaaand back again….  
Fate 1: No! We have to cut it!! Hurry! Hurry! Where are the scissors?  
Fate 2: I don’t know! She had them last! *points to Fate 3*  
Fate 3: I did not you did!   
Fate 1: Stop bickering! We can’t let that bloody fire ass birdie cry on the kid’s wound!  
Fate 2: But where are we supposed to look!  
Fate 3: Ahhhhhh!  
Fates: *run around like headless chickens*  
Fate 1: The couch cushions! Everything gets lost in there!  
Narrator: Meanwhile….  
Harry: You were brilliant Fawkes. I just wasn’t fast enough….  
Narrator: And back with the fates….  
Fate 2 and 3: I FOUND THEM! *glare at each other* NO I DID!  
Fate 1: *runs and grabs them* Now I have! *runs and jumps toward Harry’s string*  
Narrator: But….  
Fawkes: *cries on Harry’s wound*  
Narrator: And back….  
Fates: OH COME ON!

Prisoner of Azkaban - Any opportunities…?  
Fate 2: We’re gonna get it right this time!  
Fate 3: Yeah! We’ve got this!  
Fate 1: You idiots! He’s not supposed to die this year! Just lose his soul! That’s Death’s job not ours!  
Narrator: At the end of third year….  
Fate 1: *stares at the Potter boy in clean health with a fully intact soul present in his body* What the fuck! Lucky little bed headed wizard!

Goblet of Fire - the first task  
Fate 1: *yelling at the horntail* Come on! Nail him! Smash him! Bash him! *looks at the string* Oh come on how does a giant dragon not stand a chance of killing him?!  
Fate 2: He’s just been in such crazy situations that this situation isn’t crazy enough to match his crazy.   
Fate 3: *moodily* The kid is way too damn lucky.   
the second task  
Fate 1: WHY CAN’T HE JUST DIE?  
Fate 2 and 3: *exchange looks* *look at their sister*  
Fate 2: We’ll get him next time.  
the third task  
Fate 3: YESSSSSS. RISE YOU BEAUTIFUL SNEK MAN RISSSSE!  
Fate 1: Shut up! *stares intently at the string* I don’t care what you to do but I’m going to be ready this time!  
Fate 2: Beautiful? That thing is something but it ain’t beautiful.  
Fate 3: Shhhh! No one asked you!  
Fate 2: No, but I respond when I WANT TO.   
Fate 3: Not when you’re just gonna bash Tom you’re not!  
Fate 2: But I just did! And That’s not Tom! Tom was the handsome teen from the chamber, and because of your airy head you managed to get distracted enough to allow Harry to kill him!  
Fate 3: You were distracted too! That’s not on me!  
Fate 2: IT WAS TO! *shoves Fate 3*  
Fate 3: EEK! *topples into Fate 1 right when she was about to cut the string*   
Fate 1: NOOOOOO!  
Narrator: With the lucky duck….  
Harry: *dodges all the spells being thrown at him, summons the cup, and escapes*  
Narrator: Back with the Fates….  
Fate 1: YOU IDIOTS!

Order of the Phoenix - department of mysteries  
Harry: SIRIUS! NO! No! *sobs*  
Remus: *restraining Harry* He— he’s gone Harry. He’s dead.  
Harry: NO! He is not dead! He just fell through! HE’S NOT DEAD! Sirius! SIRIUS!  
———————————————————-  
Fates: *holding the scissors in shock after just having cut the wrong string by accident*   
Fate 3: *drops the scissors*  
—————————————————  
Fates: *too busy staring at the cam to bend down and pick the scissors up again as Voldemort once again fails to kill Harry*  
Fate 2: What kind of kid leads a life like this?  
Fate 3: *mutters* Only him.  
Fate 1: *sighs* *echoes* Only him.  
—————————————————  
Gryffindor common room, boy’s dorms  
Harry: *pulls the four poster shut and stares at the insides of the red hangings* *inwardly* Why did this happen? She killed Sirius. She killed him. Merlin he’s gone…. He’s GONE.... My family is gone…. He’s dead…. It should have been me….IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! WHY CAN’T I DIE? WHY!? Everyone dies…. Except me.... Let me die. Gods. Just kill me. Kill me please….  
———————————————————  
Fate 1: *sighs softly* Why can’t he just die?  
Fate 2 and 3: *exchange silent looks* *stare at the cam*  
Fate 2: *quietly* We’ll get him next time.

Halfblood Prince - inferi  
Fate 1: *eyes narrowed on the inferi pulling Harry down*  
Fate 2: Come on! Keep him down!  
Fate 3: No Dumbledore! Leave the damn hallow! Don’t you dare pick it up!  
Fate 1: *glances at the string* He’s not meant to die here either.  
Fate 3: One can hope.  
———————————————————-  
Harry: *glaring at Snaps* TRAITOR! HE TRUSTED YOU! He trusted you.  
—————————————————  
Fate 1: That bloody bat bastard!  
Fate 2: You know that this was planned though.  
Fate 3: Doesn’t make him any less of a bastard.

Deathly Hallows - fleeing privet drive  
Fate 2: OH MY GOD THAT EAR! BLOOD! Golly! What a shot!  
Fate 3: This isn’t a sport!  
Fate 1: *watches Hedwig take the green curse* Near miss. *looks at the string and sighs* But obviously not near enough.  
Fate 2: NOOOOO! NOT MAD EYE!   
fleeing Bill and Fleur’s wedding  
Fate 1: He’s a trouble magnet that avoids the real trouble. Did you see that curse! It missed him by like an inch!   
Fate 2: Not to mention that none of his friends are meant to die.   
Fate 3: I suppose that’s good for him.  
Godric’s hollow, again  
Fates: *gathered around the string*   
Fate 1: *staring avidly at it* *string shimmers* YES!   
Narrator: 10 accidents, chaos, and a furious dark lord later….  
Fate 1: How…. JUST DIE! DIE YOU CRAZY LUNATIC OF A WIZARD!  
Gryffindor’s sword  
Fate 1: *dryly* Think the locket will actually manage to kill him?  
Fate 3: You know who this kid is right? *points to Ron*   
Fate 1: *sighs*   
Fate 2: *watches Harry get pulled from the water* He lives!  
Fate 1: Yup. Did we really expect anything less?  
breaking into gringotts  
Fate 2: OH MY GODS THEY’RE ON A BLOODY DRAGON!  
Fate 1: QUICK QUICK THE STRING IS SHIMMERING!  
Fates: *stumble into each other and struggle to grab the scissors* *each get a different pair* *try to cut the string at the same time but keep bumping the blades of the scissors together*  
Fate 1: *scissors get knocked out of her hand* *flies across the room and cuts Bogrod’s string*  
Fate 2 and 3: *freeze and wince when Bogrod gets fried*  
Fate 3: Ooooo, he got roasted! Literally!   
Fate 2 and 3: *completely forgot about the string*  
Fate 1: No! You missed another opportunity you dumb dumbs!  
the final battle  
Fate 1: Alright. Ready? No. Distractions. None whatsoever ya hear?  
Fate 2 and 3: Yup!  
Narrator: And finally…..  
Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!  
Narrator: the end….  
Fates: *eagerly go forward and cut the..... now glowing golden uncuttable string???*   
Narrator: has come…?  
Fate 1: ..... what.....  
Fates: *look at what’s happening on the Harry cam*  
Hooded figure: You have accomplished something beyond any mortal has ever dreamed.  
Harry: *wide eyed* *watches the figure remove its hood*  
Death: I am happy to serve you, my master.  
Harry: *gapes at the Hallows in his hands*  
Narrator: *cackling*  
Fates: NOOOOO!

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! Thanks for reading, and sorry for not adding to my other “one shots.” Not sure where those may go, but either way, reviews are appreciated. Whether it be constructive criticism or just some kind words. Thanks again!


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